Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
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Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
A completely valid reaction tbh
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time