Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
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I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from