My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
You Might Also Like
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
I can’t deal with men any longer
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.