My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
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The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?