@partlyfunny: My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
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@chimneyspotter: DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male's efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain [me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
@davedittell: they say if you love something let it go but tell that to my dead husband I dropped into a volcano from this helicopter and he'd disagree
@jessokfine: How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It's like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.