My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
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In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.