My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
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“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human