My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
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[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.