@bourgeoisalien: the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

@Eightinchgoat: Her: I LOVE your beard! Me: Thanks, yours is coming in nicely, too! Flirting with women my age is hard, guys.

@meganamram: After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

@theyearofelan: If there is one thing the Internet has taught us it is that even the dumbest people on Earth have somehow learned how to use the Internet

@Hormonella: So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she's a "saint" but when I put a dish towel on MY head I'm "drunk in the kitchen again?"