@sad_tree: *paramedic holds me as a I lay dying* ME: Tell my family.. all I ever wanted..was a robot butler PM: With a top hat? ME: Of course you idiot

@SalmaElWardany1: Watching Grey's Anatomy teaches me that if I'm really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

@jonnysun: [at a fancy restuarant] WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip ME: ok [writing on bill] "only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg"

@pinningnut: N: Why are you picking up rocks? M: I'm starting a rock band. Neighbor walks away. That is how you get people to leave you alone.

@joshxhowie: Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I'd highly recommend Fight Club.