Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
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If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s