@SimplyRetard: "*RING**RING* in the middle Of night! "Hello?" "Hey man are you home?" "No dude i just picked up my house phone from Burger King."

@VerifiedDrunk: Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby Case of beer: I have a boyfriend

@rolldiggity: When your date asks about your hobbies, DON'T grab her table knife in a napkin and say, "Collecting knives with strangers' prints on them."

@mdob11: [waiting for elevator] Coworker: Hey, how's it go- Me: I'll take the stairs.

@LifesGoodThing: Dear women, 3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature. No 1. We know what upsets you. No 2. Hahahahahaha... I said "number 2"