*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
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Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Room with a view.