Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
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the last thing a carrot sees
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
The USS B port
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?