@lemmywinkler: My 13 year old daughter just lit a cigarette at the kitchen table. I've never been more furious! And in front of her kids too!
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@Scott_A_Gilmore: OK, time to put up the tree and spend the next six weeks scolding the cat for playing with the dangly remarkably-cat-toy-like ornaments.
@cuntrystronggal: I'm sorry you got offended that one time you were treated the same way you treat everyone all the time.
@freypalm: Driver: My God… that weasel… Onlooker: He just went… “pop”… Weasel’s family: *sobbing* Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
@AimeeHelene1: At my funeral, I want them to play "Thriller" and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing. (wins at death)