When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
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Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
I mean…but I did
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
When you’re here for the treats.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield