@_notyourmom_: My 13 year old doesn't speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she's going to be a hitman someday.
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@brunopieroni: "Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein." — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
@Matt_The_1st: I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
@DanielEdison_: "People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them" "By mistake?" "Not you as well".