My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
You Might Also Like
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Who.
Did.
This?
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”