My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
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I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.