the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
You Might Also Like
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.