[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
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My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?