@TheMichaelRock: My 14yo made fun of me this morning because I had to go to work while he had a snow day, so I changed the wifi password.
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@copymama: Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
@Brianhopecomedy: Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone's food pics and posting the calories.
@thetobbie: Dudes, how can we keep track of how long it's been since we've been on a date? I mean, women can just measure their leg hair...