@TheMichaelRock: My 14yo made fun of me this morning because I had to go to work while he had a snow day, so I changed the wifi password.
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@SexySpainNights: When someone cries, "No one gets me" I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, "I got you"!
@KeetPotato: judge: "you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?" me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] "that's correct"
@EndhooS: "What's for dinner?" Updog & chips. "Does updog have gluten in it?" No..wait..you're supposed to say... "You know I can't have gluten Karen"
@yassinovic89: What if Aliens don't want to visit us because they're all women and they want us to make the first move.