RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
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I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
plums roundup
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…