If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
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Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.