My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
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My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Good boy 😂😂
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Bartenders are just boneless bars
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
I’m good, thanks.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.