My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
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The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.