Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
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I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later