My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
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The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.