Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
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My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
He’s cranky this morning
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy