My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
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WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.