Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
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Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Finished stitching this today 😇
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
How I like cutting carbs