[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
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Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350掳 for 45 minutes.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that鈥檚 only if you鈥檙e doing it right
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Love how Google seems to know everything I鈥檓 doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I鈥檓 not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180掳* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 馃槀
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
It鈥檚 not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
I hate Valentine鈥檚 Day but I do enjoy infant archery.