[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
You Might Also Like
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Is your wife single?
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else