@Brianhopecomedy: My 2 year old has a pretty big attitude considering that I'm the only one who can open the fridge.
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@mrjohntofu: Apparently telling someone you'll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
@Bahstonlady: Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
@KeetPotato: [at my date's front door] wait, so you've known i was a koala the whole time? "yeah" [me clinging to her arm slowly eating a leaf] how tho?
@Darlainky: Veterinarian- You're here to discuss your dog's salivation? Me- No. My dog's a good dog, he'll go to Heaven! I'm here about his slobbering.