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Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…