Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
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a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”