My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
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thank god the sign was there
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Gods work.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.