My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
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What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
May have had one breakfast too many
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
My current situation
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.