My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
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Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
how high up are we talkin’?
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.