Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
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If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
S/o to @funTweeters .
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.