[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
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My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.