neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
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Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
my proudest tweet
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family