My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
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I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!