@TheCiscoKidder: My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, "Big pee pee!" I'm taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
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@PortRooster: Moon: Yo, Earth! Constant revolution?! Why so angry? Earth: You just don't understand the gravity of the situation. Sun: Oooh... Burn!!!
@weismanjake: One of the toughest parts of adulthood is figuring out how to stay friends with people who post too many selfies
@tastefactory: Cop: Save it for the JUDGE! Crook:Ok *crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil* Lawyer: it's too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
@LnL245: [Checking in at Comic Con] Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay? Me: Seven months A: *Hands me a badge marked "Casual"*