@TheCiscoKidder: My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, "Big pee pee!" I'm taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
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@HairyJew4Life: My girlfriend and I were making out on the sofa. Her: Ok let's take this upstairs. Me: Alright. You lift one end and I'll get the other
@TeaPainUSA: Mike Huckabee calls Obama a "pretend Christian", and if anyone's an expert on "pretend Christians", it's Mike Huckabee.
@rainerfm: My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
@jimmytorosian: Person: Don't bite the hand that feeds you. Me: I understand. *I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn't fed me*