My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
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[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?