My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
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I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*