My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
You Might Also Like
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Unimpressed
Facebook memories be like
WHO DID THIS?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.