My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
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The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
me adding lol on a serious message
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.