My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
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“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
wish me luck lads
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Hit me in the face with a bird
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I feel seen.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it