My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
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Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Risking my life for fun.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Phones down.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”