My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
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If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant