My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
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My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
opening twitter today
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Who did it better?
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life