My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
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Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
The French cow says MEUX…
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person