My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
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Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
No regrets in 2018
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat