My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
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Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
respect
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.