My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
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Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.